Well it’s about bloody time I wrote another blog entry! Where does the time go?? Its March, it’s nearly Mothers day *gulps* and my little boy was 6 years old a few weeks ago. He has lost two teeth and quite frankly is growing up far too quickly in my opinion!!I think I’ve missed you dear reader, I’m not quite sure. The truth is that I’ve had so much to say these last few months but all my thoughts are jumbled and I lacked the desire and drive to write them down. I wanted to chat to you about upcoming autism policy changes, about birthday parties, about friendships, about routines, about sticking together, about never saying “sorry” to me when you hear my son has autism, musings on the wonderful world of Aspergers and of course the heartache I foresee at school as the years go by and bullying becomes all too commonplace by those who are ignorant of others who are different.
I’ve done none of those things of course. I’ve literally done nothing. I’ve merely tried to survive the last few months in the only way I know how. I’ve kept my head down and got on with it. I’ve put on a front and god that’s tiring – I can’t tell you how fucking exhausted I am. I’m not sleeping very well. I’m living in the attic room of my house and its starting to take its toll. I feel like a caged bird and I’m slowly suffocating inside. I need freedom. I need my husband to move out of the family home so that we can both move forward with our lives. I truly want him to be happy and I genuinely hope that he finds the courage to pursue happiness, because ultimately life will find a way of making things work out. I also need to completely shatter the world of my son who does not yet know that whilst his parents share a complete love of him, we have separated as husband and wife. He knows that we sleep in different rooms and do separate things at the weekend but he doesn’t question things as such. So it’s bitter sweet. My son remains in ignorant bliss and I battle daily to keep smiling.
I’m usually a very positive person and don’t get me wrong, I have lots to be positive about too. I am hopeful about the future. I am surrounded by the love of family and friends. Recently though I feel as though everybody wants a piece of me in one shape or another. I’ve tried to take control and make positive changes in the workplace and at home, however this has caused much upset. I can say with complete sincerity that I have never experienced the roller coaster of soaring highs and soul crushing lows that I have these last few weeks. I believe that the piece of me that everybody is intent on taking is simply missing. It will be returned to me soon, I know it, but in the meantime I feel its absence every day and it grows bigger.
Autism is often represented visually as a jigsaw piece (see what I did there?! God I’m slick) It’s the enigma, the last piece in the complex puzzle that is autism.
Just as I have talked about putting on a front to protect myself, I have always wondered whether my son puts on a similar front. Whether he attempts to mask some of his Asperger traits or at least tone them down. I think this way because whenever he is poorly his Asperger traits seem more pronounced and the tiniest thing can cause a meltdown. Speaking to adults with Aspergers my thoughts have borne out, certainly in their experience. This makes me a tiny bit sad as at 5 years old (possibly younger) my son has somehow learnt to protect himself by putting on a false front, or at least suppressing some of the traits which “define” him in the autism world. These traits are what make him who he is. They are what I love about him for they are the very essence of HIM. And yet he must concentrate so hard on keeping them at bay. He said to me tearily one night before listing his morning routine for the following day: “Mum, I have so many things in my head to remember that I just can’t think and I can’t remember them all and it’s too much”
I cannot begin to imagine how exhausting that is for him and I’m sure that he welcomes the retreat to his world whenever he takes a small journey there. I love looking at him when he travels there. He looks positively serene, at peace, like nothing and nobody can touch him. I caught a snap of him at his birthday party. It was a football party and he had a brilliant time. For all of the hustle and bustle of the pitch, he remained on the periphery the whole time and I was able to capture a moment he had. He was sat by himself, nobody in sight and he just looked so damn beautiful.
The incredibly talented @yawnthepost drew the below for me. It sums up pretty perfectly how I imagine my son to view the world. How he can totally switch off and focus on his world, whilst all around him the aliens and monsters of another world gather (that’s us neuro-typical folk btw)
Now where were we? Erm.... jigsaws and tenuous link to the blog title: Check. Use of swear word: Check. Venting about nothing in particular: Check
There was so much I wanted to say in this blog entry, but I have a million things swarming round my head at the moment so I’m going to leave it here. The hardest thing has been typing something for you to read. I am considering deleting this whole blog and hanging up my blog writing shoes so to speak. Not much use in having a blog if it’s not updated right?!
In the meantime, go and pay a visit to the National Autistic Society website. Take a look at the great work they do. Read up a bit on Autism – learn something new. Accept difference. Not indifference.
Oh and finally, I would like to point out that despite my rant I am OK. I hate to be self indulgent and I find that writing things down helps. I guess what I’m saying is that I really don’t want any comments about life getting better etc because I know it will. I already have wonderful things to look forward to and I am surrounded by friends and family who love me. I don’t write these things to attract attention; I merely want to release them from my head. So please, invest the time you might have spent drafting a carefully written comment to me, and spend it on visiting the website mentioned above instead. I promise you that it would help me more knowing that you have. Thank you for reading. I’m off for a cuppa now. Back soon. I think.